A Tax Official has come to a rural synagogue
for an inspection. The rabbi is accompanying
him. "So rabbi, tell me, please, after you
have distributed all your unleavened bread,
what do you do with the crumbs?"

"Why, we gather them carefully and send them
to the city and then they make bread of them
again and send it to us."

"Ah. So what about candles after they are burnt?
What do you do with the ends?"

"We send them to the city as well, and they
make new candles from them and send them to us."

"And what about circumcision? What do you do
with those leftover pieces?"

The rabbi, wearily, replies, "We send them to
the city as well."

"To the city!? And what do they send to you?"

"Today they have sent you to us."

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"It's like Phish and Jimmy Buffett. It's not about the song, it's about the whole weekend." -- David Lee Roth

Reason for Becoming a Lawyer

An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death
was near, he called his lawyer. "I want to become
a lawyer. How much is it for the express degree
you told me about?"

"It's $50,000," the lawyer said. "But why? You'll
be dead soon, why do you want to become a
lawyer?"

"That's my business! Get me the course!"

Four days later, the old man got his law degree.
His lawyer was at his bedside, making sure his
bill would be paid.

Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of
coughing and it was clear that this would be the
end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said,
"Please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted
to get a law degree so badly before you died?"

In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old
man said, "One less lawyer . . ."

*****************************
"It's like Phish and Jimmy Buffett. It's not about the song, it's about the whole weekend." -- David Lee Roth

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.

"May I help you?" she asked.

"I want to see Natalie," the man replied.

"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.

"No. I must see Natalie," was the man's reply.

Just then, Natalie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred dollar bills, gave them to Natalie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left. The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Natalie.

Natalie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row--too expensive--and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000.

Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Natalie and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Natalie and they went upstairs. After their session, Natalie questioned the man.

"No one has ever used me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.

The man replied, "South Carolina."

"Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."

"I know," the man said. "Your father died and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:

1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer.

*****************************
"It's like Phish and Jimmy Buffett. It's not about the song, it's about the whole weekend." -- David Lee Roth

A lawyer and a politican both fall in a lake at the same time. Neither of them knows how to swim and both are drowning. You only have time to save ONE of them.......
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Do you:
A) Call the radio station to request a song, or
B) Finish your lunch

The Pumpkinhead

Yea Fine, You'll Blow me to get Backstage.......... You got I.D.????

QUESTION: Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?

ANSWER: To prevent clients from being billed twice for what is essentially the same service.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
"Why do I have the feeling that someday I'll be describing this to a psychiatrist?"--Lisa Simpson

Three paramedics were boasting about improvements in their respective ambulance team's response times.

"Since we installed our new satellite navigation system," bragged the first one, "we cut our emergency response time by ten percent."

The other paramedics nodded in approval. "Not bad," the second paramedic commented. "But by using a computer model of traffic patterns, we've cut our average ERT by 20 percent."

Again, the other team members gave their congratulations, until the third paramedic said, "That's nothing! Since our ambulance driver passed the bar exam, we've cut our emergency response time in half!"

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
"Why do I have the feeling that someday I'll be describing this to a psychiatrist?"--Lisa Simpson

We could balance the Federal Budget if we taxed sex. Everyone would pay their share. Young people would pay more taxes and your tax liability would decrease as you got older.

The tax would also promote family values. How would you like to come home to your wife and have her ask, "Honey, why is your tax bill larger than mine?" Or be a teenager and come home to your dad with your tax bill in his hand.

We wouldn't have to pay people to work for the IRS, they would be paying to work there just so they could review peoples returns. Locker room conversations would change... "Get a load of this tax bill!"

The forms would change a little also. We would now have a 1040Quickee. And it would give a whole new meaning to the phrase, "Substantial penalty for early withdrawal."

Sure as hell would put a whole new spin on an Audit!!

"A female lawyer in Seattle is in trouble for having sex in jail with her client who is a murderer. How creepy is that? Sex with a lawyer . . ." - Jay Leno

Ted Kennedy dies and he goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil.
"You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place."

Teddy thought that sounded pretty good so he
agreed. The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.

"No!" Ted said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the next room. In it was John Kerry with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" comments Teddy.

The devil opened a third door. In it, Ted saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Kennedy looked at this for a while, smiled,
and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"

Pair Arrested for Telling Lawyer Jokes


HEMPSTEAD, N.Y. - Did you hear the one about the two guys arrested for telling lawyer jokes? It happened this week to the founders of a group called Americans for Legal Reform, who were waiting in line to get into a Long Island courthouse.

"How do you tell when a lawyer is lying?" Harvey Kash reportedly asked Carl Lanzisera.

"His lips are moving," they said in unison.

While some waiting to get into the courthouse giggled, a lawyer farther up the line Monday was not laughing.

He told them to pipe down, and when they did not, the lawyer reported the pair to court personnel, who charged them with disorderly conduct, a misdemeanor.

"They just can't take it," Kash said of lawyers in general. "This violates our First Amendment rights."

Dan Bagnuola, a spokesman for the Nassau County courts, said the men were "being abusive and they were causing a disturbance." He said he did not have the name of the lawyer who complained.

Americans for Legal Reform monitors the courts and uses confrontational tactics to push for greater access for the public. The pair said that for years they have stood outside courthouses on Long Island and mocked lawyers.

On Monday, however, Kash said he was due in court to answer a drunken driving charge from a year and a half ago. The men are due back in court on the disorderly conduct charge next month.

Man Arrested for Lawyer Jokes Cleared


NEW YORK - A man arrested after telling lawyer jokes at a courthouse got the last laugh when a grand jury dismissed the disorderly conduct charge against him.

"It's still legal in America to tell jokes — even about lawyers," said 70-year-old Harvey Kash's lawyer, Ron Kuby, about Monday's decision.

Kash testified he was exercising his First Amendment right when he shared a few lawyer jokes with his friend, Carl Lanzisera, 65, as they waited to enter a Long Island courthouse last month.

Kash and Lanzisera are founders of Americans for Legal Reform, a group that uses confrontational tactics to urge greater public access to the courts. They said they have mocked lawyers outside courts for years.

"How do you tell when a lawyer is lying?" Kash reportedly asked.

"His lips are moving," the pair howled in unison.

Some people giggled, but a lawyer in the line told them to pipe down and reported them to court officers. They were arrested for allegedly being abusive and causing a disturbance.

The charge against Lanzisera was dropped because of insufficient evidence.

The 2004 True Stella Awards Winners
by Randy Cassingham
Issued 31 January 2005

#6: The Tribune Co. of Chicago, Ill. The newspaper chain owns several newspapers, as well as the Chicago Cubs baseball team. One of its newspaper carriers was Mark Guthrie, 43, of Connecticut. One of its ball players was Mark Guthrie, 38, of Illinois. The company's payroll department mixed the two up, putting the ballplayer's paycheck into the paper carrier's bank account. The carrier allowed them to take back 90 percent of the improperly paid salary, and said they could have the rest after they gave him a full accounting to ensure he not only got his own pay, but wouldn't have any tax problems for being paid $300,000(!) extra. The Tribune Co., rather than provide that reasonable assurance, instead sued him for the rest of the money.

#5: "High Tech" retailer Sharper Image sells a lot of its "Ionic Breeze" air filters. As part of a comparative review of many air filters, Consumer Reports magazine found the "Ionic" unit was the worst performer. SI complained, saying it didn't do a "fair" test. CU asked what sort of test should be done, but SI never replied -- until it sued CU. A federal judge ruled the suit not only had no merit, but was actually an illegal attempt to squelch public discussion. SI was ordered to pay CU $400,000 to cover its legal defense costs.

#4: Edith Morgan, mother of Kansas City Chiefs football star Derrick Thomas, who died after being thrown from his SUV in a crash while speeding in a snowstorm. Morgan said Thomas's neck was broken because the SUV's roof collapsed a few inches -- not from rolling down the highway because he wasn't wearing a seatbelt -- and sued General Motors. Her lawyer begged jurors to award more than $100 million in damages, perhaps more -- he "did not want to put an upper limit on it." GM pointed out that Thomas's oversize SUV was exempt from federal roof crush standards, yet it met them anyway. The jury sent a message: of that $100 million, it awarded Morgan ...nothing.

#3: Tanisha Torres of Wyndanch, N.Y. The woman sued Radio Shack for misspelling her town as "Crimedanch" on her cell phone bill. She didn't even ask them to change it; she just sued. "I'm not a criminal," she whined. "My son plays on the high school football team." Yeah, that makes sense. The name "Crimedanch" is a common joke; police in the area confirm it's a high-crime area. Still, Torres claimed she suffered "outrage" and "embarrassment" at having to see that spelling on her private phone bill. The suit seeks unspecified damages.

#2: Homecomings Financial, a subsidiary of GMAC Financial Services, which is a division of General Motors. The finance company accepted a change of address notice from identity thieves for the account belonging to Robert and Suzanne Korinke. The thieves ran up a $142,000 debt, and the Korinkes notified Homecomings of the fraud the moment they discovered it. Homecomings sued them two years later, saying the couple's "negligence" is what "caused the injury to Homecomings," not the fact that the company accepted a change of address from fraudsters -- and then gave them all the money they could drain. The victims got the company to drop the suit, which demanded $74,000 plus attorney's fees, after shelling out $5,000 in legal fees -- an outcome the couple's lawyer called "really lucky".

And the winner of the 2004 True Stella Award: Mary Ubaudi of Madison County, Ill. Ubaudi was a passenger in a car that got into a wreck. She put most of the blame on the deepest pocket available: Mazda Motors, who made the car she was riding in. Ubaudi demands "in excess of $150,000" from the automaker, claiming it "failed to provide instructions regarding the safe and proper use of a seatbelt." One hopes Mazda's attorneys make her swear in court that she has never before worn a seatbelt, has never flown on an airliner, and that she's too stupid to figure out how to fasten a seatbelt.

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A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the intersection. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap.

When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind.

The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in the water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was. The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was.

The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit. After a few moments, he announced, "You've got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!"

The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favor to the snake. After feeling about the snake's body for a few minutes, he asserted, "Well, you're scaly, you're slimy, you've got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and you've got a forked tongue. I think you're a lawyer!"

A lawyer parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues. As he's getting out of the car, a semi-trailer comes flying along too close to the curb and takes off the door before speeding off.

Distraught, the lawyer grabs his cell and calls the police. Five minutes later, they arrive.

Before the officer has a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer starts screaming hysterically,"My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined! No matter how long it's in the shop, it simply will never be the same again!"

After the lawyer finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust. "I can't believe how materialistic you bloody lawyers are," he says."You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life."

"How can you say such a thing at a time like this?" snaps the lawyer.

The policeman replies, "Didn't you notice that your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you?"

The lawyer looks down in absolute horror. "Oh hell!" he screams. "Where's my Rolex?"

I didn't know GS had been in an accident. ;-D

WASHINGTON, D.C. - A white house source stated that Congress is considering awarding Vice-President Dick Cheney the Medal of Freedom, the national highest civilian commendation, for his act of bravery in shooting an attorney. The source was quoted to say " All Americans have wanted to shoot a lawyer at one time or another and Cheney actually had the intestinal fortitude to do it". In a related story, the Texas Parks and Wildlife Department, which issues hunting licenses, said that it will start requiring hunters, wishing to bag a lawyer, to have the new "lawyer's stamp" on their hunting license. Currently Texas hunters are required to carry stamps for hunting birds, deer, and bear, at a cost of $7 annually. The new "lawyers stamp" will cost $100, but open season will be all year long. The department further stated that although the "lawyers stamp" comes at a hefty price, sales have been brisk and it is believed it will generate annual revenues in excess of $3 billion dollars the first year. Other states are considering similar hunting stamps.

Fred walks into a bar. He sees a good-looking lady sitting on a stool.

He walks up to her and says, "Hi there, how's it going?"

She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says, "I'll screw anybody. Anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn't matter."

Fred says, "No kidding. What law firm do you work for?"

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