...

Billy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism.

"Your mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the government.

"We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people.

"Our nanny, we'll consider the working class.

"And your baby brother Charlie, we'll call him the future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."

So Billy goes off to bed thinking about what his dad had said.

Later that night, Billy hears his baby brother Charlie crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that Charlie has a very stinky diaper.

So Billy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep.

Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, Billy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good Billy. Now tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

Billy replies, "Well, while capitalism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, the people are being ignored, and the future is in deep shit."

A U.S. senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "There is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, so we're not sure what to do with you.

"You will spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

The senator goes down, down, down into hell and finds himself in the middle of a green golf course where all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him are playing.

They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

The senator then visits heaven, joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing.

They are having such a good time there, too, that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity," says St. Peter.

The senator reflects for a minute. "Well, I would never have said it before -- I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

He finds himself in the middle of a barren desert covered with waste and garbage, where all his friends, dressed in rags, are picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

"I don't understand," stammers the senator.

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted."

The book report

Students were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" & "My Life" by Bill Clinton. One smart-ass student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories! His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.

Titanic:..... $29.99
Clinton:..... $29.99

Titanic:..... Over 3 hours to read
Clinton:..... Over 3 hours to read

Titanic:..... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton:..... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic:..... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton:..... Bill is a bull $hit artist.

Titanic:..... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton:..... Ditto for Bill.

Titanic:..... During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton:..... Ditto for Monica.

Titanic:.... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton:..... Let's not go there.

Titanic:..... Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton:..... Monica's forced to return her gifts.

Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton:..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic:..... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton:..... Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton:..... Bill goes home to Hilary-basically the same thing.

W's To-Do List for 2008


10. Hook up nuclear launch button to The Clapper.

9. Authorize new presidential anthem: "Hail to the Chad."

8. Send message to Wheaties people: "Hey guys, how about it? My face, your box."

7. Order copy of "Presidents for Dummies."

6. Keep distance from Cheney ... don't want to catch heart disease.

5. Start mending fences with Democrats ... appoint Gore "Secretary of Losers."

4. Avoid smoking any cigars left behind by Clinton.

3. Deliver memorable speech at inauguration: "I have a dream ... then I wake up."

2. As soon as possible, have transitional team meet with Martin Sheen.

1. Now that all the bickering is over, gracefully bow out of race.

George Bush met The Queen, and he turns round and says: "As I'm the President, I'm thinking of changing how the country is referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom."

The Queen replies "I'm sorry Mr. Bush, but to be a Kingdom, you have to have a King in charge -and you're not a King."

George Bush thought a while and then said: "How about a Principality then?"

To which the Queen replied "Again, to be a Principality you have to be a Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr. Bush".

Bush thought long and hard and came up with "How about an Empire then?"

The Queen, getting a little annoyed by now, replies "Sorry again, Mr. Bush, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge - and you are not an Emperor."

Before George Bush could utter another word, the Queen said: "I think you're doing quite nicely as a Country."

At last, a bumper sticker for both parties.

FINALLY, someone has come out with a 100% bipartisan political bumper sticker. The hottest selling bumper sticker comes from New York state.

"RUN HILLARY RUN"

Democrats put it on the rear bumper.

Republicans put it on the front bumper.

A local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

" ... or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted.

" ... or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea ... "

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again: "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the old saying, "You can't take it with you."

After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died.

He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed.

His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven. Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillowcases stuffed with cash.

"Oh, that old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement."