The primary school teacher was preparing the class for their annual
concert. Some children were to sing songs, others recite poetry and some
to play musical instruments. Little Alfie had just come down from the
country and the teacher asked him if he would like to do some farmyard
impressions. Alfie thought this was a great idea.

On the night of the concert, Alfie nervously walked onto the stage.
"Farmyard noises," he announced.

Then, cupping his hands to his mouth, he yelled at the top of his voice,
"Get off that f**kin' tractor! Shut the f**kin' gate! Get that f**kin'
calf outa the yard!"

*****************************
"It's like Phish and Jimmy Buffett. It's not about the song, it's about the whole weekend." -- David Lee Roth

Actually... I heard that one as a little dirty Jonny joke!...

Little dirty Jonny and his dad are in burger king.. his dad notices that Jonny is starring at this really fat nurse in line in front of him... " Dont say a word Jonny" says his dad, knowing that he was about to... " but Dad" jonny says... ", "NOT (pause) A WORD" says Dad, "But dad... She's so fucking FAT!"
Dad: "Jonny... watch your mouth."
Jonny: "But Daaaad... she's really really fucking fat!"
Dad: "Thats it Jonny... one more word and you're getting the belt!!!!"
Just then the woman's pager went off....
Jonny: "Dad... look the fuck out.. She's Backing up!!!!"

The Pumpkinhead

Yea Fine, You'll Blow me to get Backstage.......... You got I.D.????

It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the
children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress, is it your Easter Dress?"
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on
microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."



If it doesn't move and should, WD-40 it. If it moves and shouldn't, duct tape it.

A Mom was six months pregnant with her third child, and her three year old came into the room when she was just getting ready to get into the shower.
The daughter said,"Mommy, you are getting fat!"
Mom replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."
"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"



If it doesn't move and should, WD-40 it. If it moves and shouldn't, duct tape it.

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
The teacher paused and then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said,"I think he said: 'Holy
Shit! A talking chicken!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.



If it doesn't move and should, WD-40 it. If it moves and shouldn't, duct tape it.

A father asks his 8-year-old son if he knows about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know!" the child says, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me!"

Confused, the father asks what's wrong.

"Oh, dad," the boy sobs. "When I was 6, I got the 'There's no Santa' speech. At 7, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. Now that I'm 8, you hit me with the 'There's no tooth fairy' speech.

"If you're going to tell me that grown-ups really don't get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."