A hillbilly takes his 13-year-old daughter to the gynecologist. The doctor asks if she is sexually active. The father says "No, she just lays there like her mother."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
"They ought to make David Lee Roth the President of the United States. That'd really scare the s**t out of the Russians." - The Edge

Bubba was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent
Mary Louise to the hardware store.

At the hardware store Mary Louise saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf
while she was waiting for Joe Bob to finish waiting on a customer.

When Joe Bob was finished, Mary Louise asked how much for the teapot?

Joe Bob replied "That's silver and it costs $100!"

"My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary Louise exclaimed. She then
proceeded to describe the hinge that Bubba had sent her to buy,
and Jo Bob went to the backroom to find a hinge.

From the backroom Joe Bob yelled "Mary Louise, you wanna screw for that
hinge?'

To which Mary Louise replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."

*****************************
"It's like Phish and Jimmy Buffett. It's not about the song, it's about the whole weekend." -- David Lee Roth

Redneck Etiquette:

Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if they press charges.

Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

Always say "Excuse me" after getting sick in someone else's car.

It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets, especially if other people are around.

Always provide an alibi to the police for family members.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
"Why do I have the feeling that someday I'll be describing this to a psychiatrist?"--Lisa Simpson

What does a redneck call the mouse on a computer?

"That little critter".

JACK: Aside from seasoning the lobster bisque, he farted on merangues, sneezed on braised endive, and as for the cream of mushroom soup, well...
TYLER: Go ahead, tell them.
JACK: You get the idea.

LETTER FROM a New Recruit, NOW AT PARIS ISLAND MARINE CORPS

RECRUIT DEPOT



Dear Ma and Pa:

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late.



Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.



Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc. but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed again.



It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route" marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him
different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.



The country is nice, but awful flat. The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don't
bother you none.



This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move. And it ain't
shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.



Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. He joined up the same time as me. But I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and
he's 6'8" and weighs near 300 pounds dry.



Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.




Your loving daughter,

Betty

quote:

Originally posted by Sunya:
A couple of rednecks are out in the woods hunting when one of them suddenly grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other redneck whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "I think Bubba is dead! What should I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence...... and then a shot is heard.

The redneck's voice comes back on the line, "Okay, now what?"

what do rednecks do for Holloween??? they pump kin..

If 2 rednecks get divorced, and they still brother and sister???

This Year on 'Survivor'

Due to the popularity of the "Survivor" shows, several southern TV stations are joining together and are planning to do their own show entitled "Survivor: Southern Style."

The contestants will start in Alabama, travel over to Georgia, and then on to South Carolina. From there, they will head up to North Carolina and over to Tennessee.

They will then proceed down to Mississippi and Louisiana, finally ending up back over in Alabama.

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with New Jersey license plates and large bumper stickers that read: "I'm Gay," "I'm a Vegetarian," "NASCAR Sucks," "Go, Yankees!" "Smoking Is for Idiots," "Hillary in 2008," "Deer Hunting Is Murder," and "I'm Here to Confiscate Your Guns."

The first one that makes it back to Montgomery, Ala., alive wins.

Poor Bubba, Daryl, and Gomer!

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Darryl and Gomer.

The three men had always done everything together.

Darryl arrived first and when the mortician pulled back the sheet.

Darryl said, "Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over." The mortician rolled him over, and Darryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."

The mortician thought this was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer looked at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "no, it ain't Bubba."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."

"What? He had two assholes?" asked the mortician.

Yup, I've never seen 'em, but everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, "Here comes Bubba with them two assholes."

QUESTION: How do you know when you're staying in an Alabama hotel?

ANSWER: When you call the front desk and say, "I've gotta leak in my sink," and the person at the desk says, "Go ahead."

When you go out side to mow your lawn and find your car.
You might be a Redneck..

You might be a redneck Jedi if:

You use the phrase, "May the force be with ya'll."

Your Jedi robe is camouflage.

You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.

You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.

You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.

Wookies are offended by your B.O.

You have ever used the Force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.

You have ever used the Force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.

Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side ... it'll be a hoot."

Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.

You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.

Your business cards read, "Billy Bob, Jedi Master."

You know Ewoks squeal like pigs.

You use your R-2 unit as a beer coaster.

Your land-speeder has a bumper sticker that reads "Protected by Smith & Wesson Light .

If you hear, "Billy Bob, I am your father ... AND your uncle!"

REDNECK PICK UP LINES


1) Did you fart?
cuz you blew me away.

2) Are yer parents retarded?
cuz ya sure are special.

3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea:
I can't hold it in.

4) Do you have a library card?
cuz I'd like to sign you out.

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?
cuz I can see myself in 'em.

6) If you was a tree 'n I were a squirrel, I'd store my nuts in
yer hole.

7) You might not be the best lookin' girl here, but beauty's
only a light switch away.

8) Man - "Fat Penguin!"
Woman - "WHAT?"
Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice."

9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone,
but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him?
I think he went inta this cheap motel room.

11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin', we kin sleep
til afternoon.

13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench:
every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.

You Know You're Redneck When ...


You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a flyswatter.

Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.

Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

You come back from the dump with more than you took.

You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

Your kids take a siphon hose to Show and Tell.

A small wild animal park in upper Michigan acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the gorilla, who was a female, became very difficult to handle.

Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat and to make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

Reflecting on their problem, the park administrator thought of Billy Bob, a redneck part-time intern who was responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Billy Bob had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.

The park administrator thought they might have a solution. Billy Bob was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500?

Billy Bob said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Billy Bob announced that he would accept their offer, but only under the following four conditions.

"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her on the lips." The park administrator quickly agreed to this condition.

"Second," Billy Bob said, "you must never tell anyone about this." The park administrator again readily agreed to this condition.

"Third," Billy Bob said, "I want all the offspring to be raised Lutheran." Once again, the administrator agreed.

And last of all, Billy Bob stated, "You've got to give me another week or so to come up with $500."

Dear Son,

I'm writing this slow cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved.

This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, I pulled the chain, and havn't seen them since.

It only rained twice this week. Three days the first time and four days the second time.

The coat you wanted me to send you ... your Aunt Sue said it would be a little to heavy to send in the mail with them big heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

We got a bill from the funeral home. It said if we didn't make the last payment, up she comes.

Your uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off playfully so he drowned. We cremated him, he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving, the other two were in the back. The driver got out, he rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other two drowned ... they couldn't get the tailgate down.

Not much more news this time. Nothing much has happened. Write more later.

Love,
Mom

P.S. I was going to send you some money but already had this sealed.