KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline)

Lisa Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Lisa's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Lisa replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Lisa refused to remover her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Lisa had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head...A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of the head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid. Lisa is blonde.

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"God bless ya southern California, you people are bad-asssss"-DLR at the '83 Us Festival

The very first ever Blonde GUY joke ..... and well worth the wait!

An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on
scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the
Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage
one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get
burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blond opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again! If I get a bologna
sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and
cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his
death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known
how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have
given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or
enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.





Wait for it .....





It's really worth it ......









The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch."

*****************************
"I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?"

Why can't Blondes make Kool-Aid
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Because they can't figure out how to fit 2 quarts of water into that tiny packet!

Two blondes are racing down a bumpy back road in a pretty beat up car down to a bank they're going to rob.

"Drive slower" pleads the one in the passenger seat, "I don't want all the nitro in the trunk to explode."

"Relax," the driver replies, "even if it did, I've got a spare box under the seat . . . "

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
"So I played my 22 huge hits and he played his three or four. I'd have him back to open up for me tomorrow if he would do it." - David Lee Roth (referring to Sammy Hagar)

One day there was a brunett jogging down the road
saying, "66....66....66..." etc. Later down the road a blonde
comes up to her and asks her what she is doing. The brunett
replied "66...66...66" so, the blonde went to the other side of
the road and started jogging down the road
saying "66...66...66" after a while, the brunett hollers over
to the blonde and said "It's alot more fun in the middle of the
road." "Ok." replied the blonde and started jogging down the
middle of the road. Just then, a monster truck comes by and
hits the blonde. The brunett still kept jogging down the road
sayin "67...67...67."

~~~~~

10 blondes standing side by side????


... a wind tunnel!

I know... it's an old one, but it's still a good one!

The Pumpkinhead

Credit goes to Sunya for this one:

A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police cruiser pulled her over and walked up to the car. The police officer also happened to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde's driver's license.

The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman "What does a driver's license look like?"

Irritated, the blonde cop said "You dummy, it's got your picture on it!"

The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small rectangular mirror down at the bottom. She held it up to her face and said, "Aha! This must be my driver's license" and handed it to the
blonde policewoman. The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, "You're free to go. And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all of this."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
"They ought to make David Lee Roth the President of the United States. That'd really scare the s**t out of the Russians." - The Edge

A blonde needs to make some money, so she decides to work as a handyman to make a few bucks. She gathers the few tools she has, and goes to a house and knocks on the door. She asks if he has any odd jobs she can do. He thinks for a moment and says "well, how about if you paint my porch?" She agrees, and they agree on $50 for the job. He tells her all the tools and paint and stuff is in the garage. She heads off to work. The guy's wife, who has heard this asks "Do you think she realizes the porch goes all the way around the house?" "Well, she should, I mean she was standing on it. Why? Do you think she's stupid or something?" he says, "Oh, I don't know, I guess I've just read too many of those blonde jokes on the e-mail lately." she replies. About 15 minutes later, the blonde is knocking on the door to collect her pay. "Are you finished already?" he asks her. "Oh yeah, in fact I had some paint left over, so I did two coats." Pleased, the guy pays her, and she turns to leave. "Oh... by the way," she says, "It's not a Porch... It's a Lexus."

*****************************
"It's like Phish and Jimmy Buffett. It's not about the song, it's about the whole weekend." -- David Lee Roth

A blonde's New Job

Cathy, a blonde, was looking for a job.
After a visit to a job fair she was offered
work at the Los Angeles Zoo. When she arrived
for her first day of work, the supervisor had
a chat with Cathy and explained her job duties.
He then assigned her to take care of the tortoise
section.

Later that morning, the supervisor dropped by
to see how Cathy was doing. He found her standing
by an empty enclosure. "Where are the tortoises?"
he asked his blonde worker.

"I can't believe it" answered Cathy. "I just opened
the door and then whooooosh, they were gone!"

*****************************
"It's like Phish and Jimmy Buffett. It's not about the song, it's about the whole weekend." -- David Lee Roth

From Sunya:

Two factory workers were talking.

"I think I'll take some time off from work." said the man.

"How do you think you'll do that?" said the blonde.

He proceeded to show her...by climbing up to the rafters, and hanging upside down.

The boss walked in, saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he was doing?

"I'm a light bulb" answered the guy.

"I think you need some time off," said the boss.

So, the man jumped down and walked out of the factory.

The blonde began walking out too. The boss asked her where did she think she was going?

The blonde answered, "Home, I can't work in the dark."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
"Why do I have the feeling that someday I'll be describing this to a psychiatrist?"--Lisa Simpson

The blonde decided she wanted to become a nurse. Her first day at the hospital she was given several patients to bathe and change their beds. Her instructor arrived in the room just in time to hear the male patient give a howl of pain.

The teacher took the blonde to one side and said. "When we make the beds, we gently turn the patient to one side and push the sheets up against his back. We then roll him over on the other side and pull the sheets firm.

"We do NOT pick him up by his penis and shove the sheets under him."

A young ventriloquist touring the clubs was doing a show in a small town in Arkansas.

With his dummy on his knee, the comedian went through his usual dumb-blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the second row stood on her chair and shouted, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes!

"What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?

"It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general? And you do it all in the name of humor."

Quite taken aback, the embarrassed ventriloquist began to apologize.

But the blonde yelled, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!"

On her way home from a long trip, a blonde drove past a sign that said: "Clean Restrooms Eight Miles."

By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms.

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

"Darn, he recognized me," she thought.

She went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman.

"I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"

"Because that's a microwave," he replied.

Joe walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar.

He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll be unscathed.

"In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth.

The gator closed his mouth, and the crowd gasped.

After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle from the bar and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals, unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered.

Joe stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try!"

A hush fell over the crowd.

After a while, a hand went up at the back of the bar.

A blonde timidly spoke up: "I'll try, but don't hit me so hard on the head with that beer bottle!"

Susie and Sara (both blondes) were sitting on a bench talking.

Sara said to Susie, "Which do you think is farther away, Florida or the moon?"

Susie laughed and said, "Come on. Can you see Florida?"

A Southwest Airlines captain was helping a new blond flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip.

Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her.

She answered the phone, crying, and said, "I can't get out of the room!"

"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked. "Why not?"

She replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed. "One is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says, 'Do Not Disturb!'"

A blind guy walks into a barroom and finds a stool at the bar.

"Hey, want to hear a really great blond joke?" he says when the bartender brings him his drink.

The place goes quiet, then the guy sitting on his left leans over and says in a low voice: "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blond, the bouncer is blond, and I'm a 6-foot-tall, 200-pound blond with a black belt in karate. The guy sitting on your right is 6-foot-2, weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to his right is 6-foot-5 and is pushing 300, and he's a wrestler. We're all blonds. Think about it, pal. You really wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy thinks for a minute, then says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Damn, he was brave.

The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was so excited but I thought, what the heck, and I starting jumping up and down along with her.

She said, "I have some really great news!"

I said, "Great. Tell me why you're so happy."

She stopped jumping long enough to tell me that she was pregnant!

I knew that she had been trying for a while so I told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier for you!"

Then she said, "There's more."

I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?"

She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!"

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She said....

"Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack. Both tests came out positive!"