125 THINGS NEVER TO SAY DURING SEX
1) is it in?
2) that's it?
3) you've got to be kidding me.
4) (phone rings) hello? oh nothing and you?
5) do I have to pay for this?
6) do I have to call you tomorrow?
7) oh momma, momma!
8) oh dadda, dadda!
9) you look better in the dark.
10) this is much better than my last girl/boyfriend.
11) I thought that goes in the other hole....
12) don't tell my husband/wife.
13) you have the same bra my mom does (worse if the girl says it) .
14) this sucks.
15) can you finish now? I have a meeting...
16) I hope you don't expect a raise for this...
17) I think you might get the job for this.
18) damn! is that all you know what to do.
19) did I tell you, I have herpes?
20) now we must get married.
21) hurry up, the games about to start.
22) I'm hungry.
23) I'm thirsty.
24) zzzzzzzzzzzz.
25) are you trying to be funny?
26) can I have a ride home after this?
27) are those real?
28) by the way, I want to break up.
29) is that smell coming from you?
30) haven't you ever done this before?
31) wow!! I've never seen those before (then grope wildly).
32) do you know what some female spiders do after sex?
33) you're so much like your sister....
34) your mom's cute.
35) what's your name again?
36) do I have to be here in the morning?
37) a second time? I barely stayed awake the first time!
38) but you just started!!
39) you're about as good as a 9 year old, and I should know!!
40) don't touch that!!
41) can we order a pizza?
42) I think my dad is listening at the door.
43) smile for the camera, honey!!!
44) take off that damn monkey glove!!
45) get your hand out of there!!
46) I think the condom broke 10 minutes ago.
47) I knew you wore a padded bra!!
48) cover me boys, I'm going in!!!
49) DIVE! DIVE! DIVE!
50) Fire one!
51) God, that is small!!
52) hold on, let me change the channel...
53) who smells like fish?
54) is it O.K. if my mom (and/or dad) joins in?
55) your best-friend does it much better.
56) hope you don't mind I left my boots on.
57) hurry up, the motor's runnin'.
58) you're fogging up the wind-shield.
59) can I borrow 5 bucks?
60) what the hell noise was that?!
61) stop moaning, you sound so stupid.
62) shut up, bitch! (worse if the girl says it)
63) you know, you're not really attractive.
64) I'm sorry, I was not listening.
65) what, oh yea, I love you too, now let me concentrate!!
66) stop interrupting me!!
67) I have to take a shit.
68) did I leave the iron on?
69) your breath is funky.
70) (start singing Green Day) .
71) is it O.K. if I call someone, its O.K. though, keep going....
72) its OK honey, I can imagine that its bigger.
73) god I wish you were a real woman.
74) why can't you ever shave your legs?
75) by the way, when I drove over here, I ran over your dog....
76) oh Susan, Susan... I mean donna.... shit.
77) your breast milk is like my mom's....
78) you're hairy!!
79) your "happy trail" led me to a dead end.
80) is it O.K. if I never see you again?
81) did I forget to tell you I got worms from my cat?
82) don't make that face at me!
83) all of a sudden I have a headache.
84) you're boring.
85) I like your tits.
86) suck my dick, bitch.
87) how much do I owe you?
88) How come we each have a penis?
89) of course you can't be on top, you're too fat, you'll kill me!
90) your ass is hairy (the guy says this) .
91) just use your finger, its bigger.
92) does your family have to watch?
93) we'll try again later when you can satisfy me too.
94) get off me, I'll do it myself!!!!
95) can you hold this sandwich for me?
96) you're as soft as a sheep, inside and out.
97) the only reason I'm doing this is because I'm drunk.
98) my mom taught me this.....
99) how cute... peach fuzz!
100) Damn girl! my tits are bigger than your's!
101) should I ask why you're bleeding?
102) this is my pet rat, Larry....
103) if you can't do it, I'll find someone else who can!
104) I haven't had this much sex since I was a hooker!
105) I was once a woman...
106) wanna see me take out my glass eye?
107) no I don't love your mind, I can't grab that!!
108) is it O.K. if I tell my friends about this?
109) I'm sobering up and you're getting ugly!
110) you wanted me to use a condom?
111) you're no better than my brother!!
112) mooooo!!
113) Fire in the hole!!!
114) I wanna see how many quarters I can fit in there.
115) hurry up, I'm late for a date.
116) O.K. start...oh! that feels so... YOU'RE DONE??!!
117) you ever see basic instinct?
118) I'm out of condoms, can I use a sock?
119) don't squirm, you'll spill my beer.
120) Did I tell you where my cold sore came from?
121) you got boogies showing.
122) (start reciting the 10 commandments) .
123) I think I just shit on your bed.
124) of course I don't love you.
125) let me spell it out for you, b-r-e-a-t-h m-i-n-t.

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"It's like Phish and Jimmy Buffett. It's not about the song, it's about the whole weekend." -- David Lee Roth

10) this is much better than my last girl/boyfriend.

Hey, at least they didn't say it's NOT as good as their last girl/boyfriend...

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
"As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way."--Jack Handey

wanna see me take out my glass eye?

good ones

Bubba pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Brian where
he'd first had sex.

"It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was
a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the
tree and made love for hours," Bubba recalled.

"That sounds wonderful," said Brian.

"Yes. It was ok until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing
right there watching us."

"Oh my God!!! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her
daughter?"

"Baaaaaaa."

*****************************
"It's like Phish and Jimmy Buffett. It's not about the song, it's about the whole weekend." -- David Lee Roth

A man and a woman were driving down the road and arguing about his
deplorable infidelity. Suddenly the woman reaches over and slices the mans
member off. Angrily the woman tosses it out the car window.

Driving behind the couple is a man and his 10-year-old daughter. The
little girl is just chatting away at her father when all of a sudden the
penis smacks the pickup on the windshield, sticks for a moment, then flies
off.

Surprised, the daughter asks her father, "Daddy, what the heck was that?
Not wanting to expose his ten-year-old daughter to anything sexual at such
a young age, the father replies, "it was only a bug, honey.

The daughter sits with a confused look on her face, and after a few
minutes she says . . .
. . . " sure had a big dick, didn't it?"

*****************************
"It's like Phish and Jimmy Buffett. It's not about the song, it's about the whole weekend." -- David Lee Roth

The minister was passing a group of young teens sitting on the church lawn
and stopped to ask what they were doing.

"Nothing much, Pastor," replied one boy. "We were just seeing who can tell
the biggest lie about their sex life."

"Boys, boys, boys!" he scolded. "I'm shocked. When I was your age, I never
even thought about sex."

In unison they all replied, "You win!"

*****************************
"It's like Phish and Jimmy Buffett. It's not about the song, it's about the whole weekend." -- David Lee Roth

The Dangers of Masturbation



*****************************
"It's like Phish and Jimmy Buffett. It's not about the song, it's about the whole weekend." -- David Lee Roth

This probably coulda gone in the "differences between men and women" thread, but since it is a little on the naughty side, I thought it probably fit here better... it's quite accurate.

The truth about Male vs Female Orgasms.

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"It's like Phish and Jimmy Buffett. It's not about the song, it's about the whole weekend." -- David Lee Roth

The theatrical agent, trying to sell a new strip act to a night-club
manager, was raving about the girl's unbelievable 72-26-38 figure.

"What kind of a dance does she do?" the manager asked, duly impressed by
the description of the girl's dimensions.

"Well, she doesn't actually dance at all," the agent replied.
"She just crawls out onto the stage and tries to stand up!"

*****************************
"It's like Phish and Jimmy Buffett. It's not about the song, it's about the whole weekend." -- David Lee Roth

Loud Sex

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor.
Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear
splitting yell!"

"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the
problem is."

The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"

==========

Quiet Sex

Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife
during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you
have an orgasm?"

She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"

==========

Deceptive Sex

A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair. One afternoon
they couldn't contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place where
they spent the afternoon making passionate love. When they were finished,
they fell asleep, not waking until 8 o'clock!

They got dressed quickly. Then the man told his secretary to take his shoes
outside and rub them on the lawn. Bewildered, she did as he asked thinking
him pretty weird.

The man finally got home and his wife met him at the door. Upset, she asked
where he'd been. The man replied, "I cannot tell a lie. My secretary and I
are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the
afternoon making love, and then fell asleep. That's why I'm late." The wife
looked at him, took notice of his shoes and yelled, "I can see the grass
stains on your shoes. YOU DAMN LIAR! You've been playing golf again, haven't
you?"

==========

Confounded Sex

A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn
from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him
back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since
it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said that the cost would be $3,500
for "small," $6,500 for "medium," and $14,000 for "large."

The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him
to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called
his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into
the room, and found the man looking quite dejected.

"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.

The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen!"

==========

Wedding Anniversary Sex

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding
anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever!'"

"Yeah," she replied, "When YOU die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads,
'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last!'"

A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.
The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"
"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this... When your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your finger?

The Brothel

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified,
well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.

"May I help you?" she asked.
"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would
prefer someone else," said the madam. "No. I must see Valerie," was
the man's reply.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged
$1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred
dollar bills, gave them to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an
hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie.

Valerie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row--too
expensive--and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000.
Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs.
After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that
he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they
went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been
with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.

The man replied, "South Carolina."

"Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."

"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's
attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

This woman comes into a bar and sees this guy sitting there drinking his beer, and he has this box, about 5 inches square sitting on the bar in front of him. Curiousity gets the best of her, she walks up to him and asks "What's in the box?", "Well," the man replies, looking the beautiful woman up and down, "You may find this interesting," the man says, "It's my pet frog.","What's so interesting about a frog?", the woman asked. "Well," the man continued, "This is a very special frog. I've taught him to do an amazing trick. This Frog can perform cunnilingis." The woman was intrigued, but skeptical. "I don't believe you." the woman said. "Well, I can prove it if you'd like." the man responded. The woman looked around, and since the two of them were the only ones in the place, she lifted her skirt, dropped her panties, and laid down on the bar, with her legs spread. The man took the frog and set it between her legs. The woman waited, and the frog just sat there. 10 seconds go by, 15, 20, 30 seconds go by. Nothing is happening, the frog is just sitting there. The man leans over, and says to the frog as he moves it aside, "Ok you stupid frog, watch closely! I'm only gonna show you ONE MORE TIME!"

Top Ten things men would do if they had a vagina

10. Immediately go shopping for zuccinni & cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand held mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if they can finally do the splits.

7. See if it's truely possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.

6. Cross their legs without rearranging their croutch.

5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 mins. before closing time.

4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

3. Go to the gynecologists for a pelvic exam and ask for it to be recorded on video.

2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.

1. Finally find that damned G-spot.

quote:

Originally posted by 5151 Parrothead:
7. See if it's truely possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.

20 feet?! Damn...10 maybe...but 20, I dunno....

A young Italian girl was going on a date.

Her grandma said, "Sit down here and let me tella you about these younga boys. He's agonna try ana kiss you, and you are gonna like that, but don't let him do that. He's agonna try and kiss your breasts, and you are agonna like that, too, but don't let him do that. But most important, he's gonna try ana lay ona top of you, and you are gonna like that, but don't let him do that. Doing that will disgrace the family."

With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date. The next day, she told grandma that her date went just like she had predicted:

"Grandmama, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I just turned over, got on top of him, and disgraced HIS family!"

Puns for adults

~1. What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes? Goes-in-tight

~ 2. What does a 72-year-old snatch taste like? Depends ..

~ 3. What's "68"? You do me and I owe you one.

~ 4. What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball? Gagged! ~

~ 5. What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.

~ 6. Why do they say that eating yogurt and oysters will improve your sex life? Because if you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything.

~ 7. How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb? Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out!

~ 8. What's the definition of a vagina? The box a penis comes in.

~ 9. What two words will clear out a men's restroom? "Nice Dick!"

~ 10. What do you call a truckload of vibrators? Toys for Twats.

~ 11. Why do we have orgasms? How else would we know when to stop?

~ 12. What's the definition of indefinitely? When your balls are slapping up against her ass, you're in ...definitely!

~ 13. Define Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!

~ 14. What do a dildo and soy beans have in common? They are both used as a meat substitute.

~ 15. What do you call kids born in whorehouses? Brothel sprouts.

~ 16. What is every Amish woman's private fantasy? Two Mennonite.

~ 17. How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood? His hand caught fire.

~ 18. Why is sex like a game of bridge? You don't need a partner if you've got a good hand.

~ 19. What do you call a smiling Roman with pubic hair between his teeth? Gladiator.

~ 20. Why do you get paid more at the Sperm Bank than at the Blood Bank? Sperm is handmade.

~ 21. How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good? Put a nipple on it.

~ 22. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down and use a lubricant

One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a Lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town.

"I'm lookin' for the meanest, toughest and roughest hooker in the Yukon," he said to the bartender.

"We got her" replied the bartender. "She's upstairs in the second room on the right."

The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the hooker and two beers. He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked the door open on the second door on the right and yelled, "I'm looking for the meanest roughest and toughest hooker in the Yukon."

The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "You found her!"

Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles.

"How do you know I want that position first?" asked the miner.

"I don't," replied the hooker, "but I thought you might want to open those beers first."

Everything I need to know I learned from porn

1. Women wear high heels to bed.

2. Men are never impotent.

3. When going down on a woman 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.

4. If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her.

5. Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with sperm.

6. Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men.

7. Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob.

8. Women always orgasm when men do.

9. A blowjob will always get a woman off a speeding ticket.

10. All women are noisy fucks.

11. People in the 70s couldn't fuck unless there was a wild guitar solo in the background.

12. Those tits are real.

13. A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman's butt.

14. Men always groan "OH YEAH!" when they cum.

15. If there is two of them they "high five" each other. (and the girl isn't disgusted!)

16. Double penetration makes women smile.

17. Asian men don't exist.

18. If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes, the boyfriend won't bash seven shades of shit out of you if you shove your cock in his girlfriend's mouth.

19. There's a plot.

20. When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite a woman by giving her a gentle slap on the butt.

21. Nurses suck patient's cocks.

22. Men always pull out.

23. When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend, she'll only be momentarily pissed off before fucking the both of you.

24. Women never have headaches... or periods.

25. When a woman is sucking a man's cock, it's important for him to remind her to "suck it".

26. Assholes are clean.

27. A man ejaculating on a woman's butt is a satisfying result for all parties concerned.

28. Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's trousers and find a cock there.

29. Men don't have to beg.

30. When standing during a blowjob, a man will always place one hand firmly on the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other proudly on his hip.