HitchWORLD1969: It all starts and ends in northern Colorado, and man, that is fucking pathetic is it not. I originally hail from Fort Collins, which is... well if you know, I pity you uh uhuh uhu hu huhuhu hu huh. Anyway, it's just north of Denver along the Rocky Mountain front range. I've got an ex-wife there now unfortunately, so I had to move a little east. So it's Windsor that I live in, and man, I've put this fucking place on the map in my estimation!!! uh uhuh uhu uhu huuh u h. Small town. good people. Then there's hitchWORLD in the middle of it. It's scary.

5151 Parrothead:   Your response to the first question leads nicely into this next one...    Is the person that we all see online anything like the person that your friends and family know on a daily basis?

HitchWORLD1969: Yes, and No. But I'm leaning more towards yes than no. On the net, the angry belligerance is exaggerated. If I was in real life like the hitch character, do you think I could function in society?? Scratch that, I live in my dad's basement at 33!!! wait wait... uh uhuh uhuh uhuhu huh u h. Ok here's the distinction: I have heard from people that have gotten to know me outside of the net that I am really different. I think it might be like comparing a penthouse pic of a nice piece of ass with having same said piece of ass in front of you all 3d like and real. The picture captures alot of the elements but ya gotta BE THERE!!! uh uh u huhu huh uhuh uh uh u hu hu huhuh

5151 Parrothead: Are you currently Married/Involved/Looking? Any kids?

HitchWORLD1969: I've got 3 kids, and that's fucking cool as shit. The ex-wife is a headache that I could do without. And hey man, what guy ain't lookin! I swear, even the gay ones are. Usually at me. I of course look back, teasing them with my hitchness. uh uh uh uh uh uh uhu huhuhh sorry man, I was feeling frisky!!

5151 Parrothead: (LOL)   I notice that a lot of things you type are © or ™ or ® etc. what's the story there?

HitchWORLD1969: Man, it's hitchWORLD© co-branding!!! I originally thought it was kewl™ accentuation to not only distinguish Intellectual Property© in my posts, but it also looks pretty fuckin' rad. Then Labor Day 2001 I trolled Riddler at the old Pleasure Dome. (The highlights are here in RiddlerLAND®  ) Anyway, Riddler® seemed to really take to the whole idea of it, so we FUCKIN' RAN WITH IT BAYBEEE™!!!

5151 Parrothead: Speaking of... tell us about Hitchworld© and the HitchEMPIRE©

HitchWORLD1969: uh uh uhuh uh uhhuuhhuh. Theres not alot to that really. It started out with the now defunct Roth Army™ website, which at the time was the only safe internet haven I could find. The Sarge and I were pals, he was living about 45 miles away in Denver, and was hosting all kinds of sites at the time. So I was shooting the shit with him one day, and I was like, "I want a site dude. And you know that scene in Boogie Nights, when they're all in the hot tob, and the "name" issue rears it's ugly head... and it was just like that, I saw "Dirk Diggler" in purple neon!!! Of course, I felt that I should change it to hitchWORLD© out of respect to his humongous cock in relative size to my small, yet virile hitchCOCK©. And so it was done. The army is gone now, and I missed having hitchWORLD© so I got the site back up. Then my host bailed on me. uh uhuh uhu huhh. But now it's back again. You can't kill the fucker, man!

5151 Parrothead: How long have you been in the "Online Community"?

HitchWORLD1969: In the early 90s it was local bulletin boards and DOS!!! Probably about 92, I got online through my college, although out of 20,000 students, I think I was probably 1 of 10 of us who were into the UNIX it took to navigate. I remember once dialing up to my university and just being blown away that I could access this library in Japan! The ex-wife at the time was having a cow because she thought the connection meant long distance charges!!! and I wasnt really sure that it wasn't, to tell you the truth It was all green and black in those days. I've followed the VH stuff on the REAL net since late 96 I think it was. Then about 99, I really got into intensively, actually interacting. Started doing the webmaster thing on the army back at the end of 2000. And most recently, last December, going "solo" like the great David Lee and Sammy before me.

5151 Parrothead: Oh yeah, I remember the BBSs n' all that... I was into that kinda stuff myself. Do you remember what was the first site you were banned from and why you got banned? :-)

HitchWORLD1969: The first Van Halen site to give me the pink slip™ was the Links. That one, I tell you, I really didnt understand, but I've never been allowed back in since (as hitch, anyway). I think it was catalyst in creating hitch1969©, the character you know today. Every time I was banned from The Pleasure Dome, I understood it. You can't just go into Ed VH's site and start asking why Valerie Bertinelli puts up with him cheating and drinking and expect to get a warm reception. I totally understood that banning, also the next one when I was advocating Eddie drinking again. It was a corporate website, and Brad had a job. I was cool with that. But websites that are like going to work everyday with rules and handbooks and supervisors isnt what I was about. So back to your first question, I am totally like that in real life. I'm rock n roll. Eddie Van Halen used to be rock n roll. You ever see that interview from way back, he was talking about "the book"? And, why does he have to read it, why not just write his own when it came to guitar? I believe in that. All the things I believed in a 14 still apply to me today in theory. The internet is supposed to be FUN. Make you laugh, not be like some fucking job you go to and behave and have performance reviews and some asshole with a power trip fucking telling you what you can and can't say. fuck that totally. um.... what was the question again???

5151 Parrothead: (Laugh) Do you have any idea how many sites you've been banned from in your online career?

HitchWORLD1969: Since Riddler and I started trolling, my bannings are as infamous have seen as much action as David Lee's COCK!!! uh uh uh uhhhuh uhuh. Dude, take a look at this thread, it's a board that I registered at to troll. Totally random, outta nowhere. Read the thread. This fucking Jubilex guy starts on about us infidels and Van Gully. Man, I was touched. One day someone did a search on Google for "Joe Rogan" and MY name came up. I search  Google, and I've seen posts other people have made as hitch1969 at boards I have never been to. "Setting up a hitch1969© franchise" as I call it. I think that shit is totally cool man! I am honored and feel greatful.

5151 Parrothead: I know there are some sites you've been banned (either as hitch1969© or your other personas) multiple times. Any idea where you've been banned the most times?

HitchWORLD1969: oh man, that's easy, the Pleasure Dome, because Brad (and Chelle) were cool enough to give me 2nd and 3rd and 4th chances or whatever it was. Did you know that for maybe just a slice of time there back in 2002, I was an actual MOD at Chelle's site? Had my own CYBER forum and everything. Chelle got pissed at me and wiped the entire fucking thing out one night, I can't remember why though. I'm sure it was my fault though man. Chelle is fucking cool that way. Very copacetic chick with the forgiveness and the  get-along-ability. Can't say enough good things about her. Wish she'd post at hitchworld more. Good gal all around.

5151 Parrothead: No arguement there. She's certainly one of a kind. Speaking of our beloved Chelle, here's a question that she came up with... If you could be any famous cult leader (past or present) who would you be? and why?

HitchWORLD1969: Oh fuck man, Chelle's got my number TOTALLY!!! She's hip to the fact that those dudes fascinate me. Honestly, ALL of them are fucking cool, although all with ultimately fatal flaws which kill the buzz. Just a few examples I'd like to be: Koresh without the government defiance, Manson without the killing the pregnant chicks, Herf Applewhite without the castration (comet ride optional), Jim Jones without the mass suicide, Jack Kervorkian without the televised murder. These fucking guys, I read books an books on because it's just the same story over and over, and the thing in common is that it all ends tragically because they take shit too far. Like the old saying, "those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it". I think those fuckers are brilliant up to a point. I cant understand the other side of it, the followers, either. It TOTALLY fascinates me, the entire process and all the players. I could never follow anyone, specially not as blindly as that. It's awesome dude, like watching 9-11. That was like a fucking movie with special effects playing out for real in front of you. I see pictures of that, videos TO THIS DAY, and I am just in awe. A fucking AIRLINER into a 110 story skyscraper? TWICE IN A HALF HOUR???? oh fuck man, I am so bewildered by it. It's just fucking insane and sad. If you told me 10, 15 years ago that I'd see that shit for real go down.. I'm rambling. sorry

5151 Parrothead: No no, it's cool... that's the whole point here is a peek into the mind of the great Hitch©. Take all the time/space you need.

HitchWORLD1969: I'm ready for the next one how many we got, man?

5151 Parrothead: We're past the half-way point... ummm... Other than the online stuff, what do you do for fun?

HitchWORLD1969: Oh man, its boring outside of that. Not anything that anyone would want to read anyway. I take the kids to Chucky Cheese or watch them swim out back at the ranch here. I play Barbies with my little daughter because she's the only girl here and usually her brothers are off having some dick measuring contest, or fighting, or trying to break into my porn collection as young men will do. Of course when the kids arent here, I love to enjoy drugs and alcohol in massive quantities. I can also jerk off until my dick only shoots air. But really, I do spend a geeky amount of time on the net. I think most of us do that do, you know. Geeky is kewl™. Geeky works. (insert Gekko "Geek Speech" here). So yeah, I'm not a real happening guy or anything. I've got a lot of shit that personally I'm dealing with over the last few years, and I don't think I'm a well-rounded person for it to tell you the truth. It's made me untrusting and very cynical and aloof. So I keep things within a small CIRLCE OF TRUST™ as it were.. am I boring you because outside of that plug of my site, I am boring me ok, let's move on!

5151 Parrothead: What do you do for a living?

HitchWORLD1969: YOUR HONOR!!! OBJECTION!!! uh uh uh uh u huhuh u huhuh uuhuh The defendant's work history is NOT applicable to his current child support obligation!!! uh uh uh uh uuhuhuh h !!!! sorry man, flashback! Currently, I provision high speed data and some voice services. Prior to my personal 9-11, I worked as a social worker in Fort Collins running a group home full of wacky retards. Couple of years ago, I worked at Prodigy and MSN after that. There was also a little stint with Hewlett Packard in the late 90s. In between, nothing but unemployment which is my true passion. It's like my heroin. I love it. Nothing like all day to do what you want, when you want. I miss it.

5151 Parrothead: <lol> I hear ya brother... Ok, let's do a little "word association." I'll give you a name/word/thought, you tell me the first thing (word/phrase/thought/concept/reaction/etc.) that comes to your mind.

HitchWORLD1969: lets do it

5151 Parrothead: Van Halen

HitchWORLD1969: sammy hagar

5151 Parrothead: Eddie Van Halen

HitchWORLD1969: 1985

5151 Parrothead: Alex Van Halen

HitchWORLD1969: angry control freak

HitchWORLD1969: good drummer

HitchWORLD1969: ed's brother

5151 Parrothead: Michael Anthony

HitchWORLD1969: nice guy, good to see him not going along anymore. good to see him out with sam. hope they record together more

5151 Parrothead: David Lee Roth

HitchWORLD1969: a man of undying integrity to a fault, you gotta love dave. in his mind, he's as relevant as he was in 1984. True alpha male. maybe gay. probably bi. does what he wants.

HitchWORLD1969: thinning hair

HitchWORLD1969: dave's the man

5151 Parrothead: Sammy Hagar

HitchWORLD1969: cabo fucking wabo!!!! space station #5. van hagar. eddie totally blew it with sam. honest. credible. great singer. love sam, always a fan.

5151 Parrothead: Gary Cherone

HitchWORLD1969: GAY. good singer though. was fucked and never should have took the homewrecker stepmother role that he did, no chance. VHIII was good. how many say I wasnt

5151 Parrothead: SoCalChelle

HitchWORLD1969: Riddler. Bradman. "eeeeeew" Knuckles dragging.

5151 Parrothead: Brad Starks

HitchWORLD1969: corporate kiss ass. skating on thin ice. october 2000.

5151 Parrothead: Steve Savicki

HitchWORLD1969: SAVICKI AFTER DARK!!! the fucking vitamins he sells. getting banned by him. "a quickie with Savicki™" ©2001, Burning Tires and van-halen dot com.

5151 Parrothead: Banned

HitchWORLD1969: oddly, what comes to mind is NOT me. I'm thinking more along the lines of stuff much bigger, like being in 7th grade and not being allowed to read "Catcher In the Rye" because it was stalker material. Made me want to read it more.

5151 Parrothead: Message Board

HitchWORLD1969: hitchWORLD©. editing cgi scripts.  

5151 Parrothead: Atomic Punks

HitchWORLD1969: oh man h u huh uh uhuh uhuh. ok.... brent norton and bellante

5151 Parrothead: DLR Army

HitchWORLD1969: like classic van halen. dead and gone. nice MAMMORIES® and good friendship. Hate to see what its become.

5151 Parrothead: VH Links

HitchWORLD1969: That wouldnt necessarily be as bad as you think. I checked in there awhile back, um, good source of information, and I like some of the UBB upgrade/layout stuff they've made look cool. I've missed the rivalry. Hope Brent never saw it as anything more than cocktosterone fun. and thanks for hacking passwords you untrustful motherfuckers!! uh uh uh uh u huh uh uh uh. To the victor go the spoils etc. etc. Alls fair in love in war. War's over, I'm overdone

5151 Parrothead: Here's another one from Chelle... What do you want to be when you grow up?

HitchWORLD1969: Harsh! I wanna be the BREAST hitch1969© that I can be!!

5151 Parrothead: Do you play any instruments?

HitchWORLD1969: yeah, I play guitar. Was inspired by Eddie back in the day. I guess that every bassist is simply a frustrated guitarist with a job, so maybe there I go!

5151 Parrothead: Ginger or MaryAnn?

HitchWORLD1969: BOTH in a hitch1969© sandwich.

5151 Parrothead: ROTFL   What is your Philosophy of life?

HitchWORLD1969: I gotta lean toward the Bible dude. And I'm fucking serious as shit about that. It's a great blueprint for humanity, but a fucking pain in the ass to read. People think it's shit, I'm thinking it's got valuable lessons and wisdom. The Bible. Steal a copy today.

5151 Parrothead: What was the first concert you attended?

HitchWORLD1969: oh... man.. the first significant one was VH on the 84 tour when I was 13. I'm sure it was the first one I got wasted at. McNichols Arena (RIP) in Denver, right about where the new Mile High Stadium sits. Saw VH again in 88 at Monsters of rock at the old Mile High Stadium. Also saw Michael Jackson there that year, front fucking row. uh uh uhu h uhuh uh. file that under "the things a dude will do for pussy". I dunno man, life was simpler back then, but like I said in that other question, I like to try an keep it simple like back in the day. Never lose that rebellious, angry, 14 year old "I can do anything and fuck you" attitiude.

5151 Parrothead: How about the first album you bought?

HitchWORLD1969: oh man... um. Some KTELL thing at Kmart I am sure. Or maybe the soundtrack for Urban Cowboy. Pirated that shit off the net a couple of years ago. Sounds SO much better on cd.

5151 Parrothead: have you met any of the folks from the message boards?

HitchWORLD1969: I tell you, there are some I'd like to meet! I always envisioned some great Van Halen reunion with Roth, the tour, and maybe a concert where we show up. I bang Chelle under the bleachers (um this was before you dude no offense) maybe duke it out with FORD, Brent, and then we all get drunk and party and at the end of the show give Bradman a fucking nuclear wedgie and he goes crying home to his wife Then afterwards after we've all bonded, I go to Mike B's house and give her my small yet virile hitchCOCK© while he whines like the big wet stinky pussy that he is... give his wife (correction )... although it worked perfectly well as i typed it

5151 Parrothead: Have you met any of the members of Van Halen, or any other Celebs?

HitchWORLD1969: Yeah I met Eddie in 1984. He was very drunk, after that concert I talked about. We were staying at the same Holiday Inn

5151 Parrothead: Yeah, I've met Eddie, he's cool... ok, light at the end of the tunnel, just a couple more questions. What is something that most people would be surprised to know about Hitch1969©?

HitchWORLD1969: You know, those who have wanted to know more have always found a way to find out, so dude I dunno. I tried to give you all some new hitchNUGGETS™ in the interview. I dunno man. Um... ah shit, dude, you got me

5151 Parrothead: What would you say has been your proudest moment in life? Both as Doug, and as Hitch?

HitchWORLD1969: Oh dude, that's easy, and it's also the most cliche thing that people won't want to hear but probably say themselves about their own kids. Being at the birth of my kids, and then from that, being an influence in their lives, having something that is meaningful and worthy and good and right. I hang out with my kids, listen to the shit they tell me, and I am still DUMBFOUNDED that I am having a conversation with this little person that came out of my dick! literally, yes? Every minute with my kids is so fucking precious and full of awe. When my 7 year-old son tells me that something he read at hitchworld that I posted was bullshit.. or whatever, it's just THE MOST. I hang out with them and they come up with the most fucked up little kid mentality shit that just blows me away. My little daughter singing "you are my sunshine" to me while riding shotgun in Mr. Benz as the brothers spit at each other and fight in the backseat. My son poking me in the head at 6:05 telling me to wake my dead ass up or I'm going to lose my job. Shit like that. It's all my proudest moment, man.

5151 Parrothead: Right on! Ok, What would you most like to be remembered for?

HitchWORLD1969: Hey man, I'm no hero. I've done nothing important to the world outside of what's important to me (see above). So I've always been like that headbanger on "Decline Of Western Civilazation Part II: The Metal Years".. When I'm dead, dig a hole and throw me in.

5151 Parrothead: Ok, here's something you've probably been praying for me to say... Last question.
Being there in Colorado, I'm sure that a lot of folks are wanting me to ask you... Kobe Bryant.... Innocent or Guilty?

HitchWORLD1969: Well man, isn't BLACK or WHITE the real question? Can the kid afford Johnny CockRING®? Was there blood in the Bronco™? I think OJ just declared him innocent so he must be. Is he an adulterer AND a rapist? Man, it's just so fucking cosmic and sensational, what is the truth? I see a guy exactly my age prosecuting this motherfucker on the Today show the other day, and I'm starting to look things alot differently. This is the same fucking Jock Frat guy who was slipping chicks roofies and bragging about date rape in my bowling class on hungover Tuesday. I fucking drank with him on Tuesday night, and outside of that, he was very well-spoken and had all the right awards and joined all the right clubs that I didn't. Kobe on the SAME hand, is kinda cut from the same scholarship "look the other way" cloth mentality. Fuck man, I don't know. I do know that small town Colorado court is about as hokey as it gets, if there is truth to be found it will never be. In the end, in the fucking 9-11 Van Halen reunionless world that we live in, I dont know that it's consequential to anything of relevance except the pop culture that David Lee Roth seems to have a grip on. Man, that fucking video on his site, with him in the warhol hair and of course the warhol midget!!! "if it ain't the REAL THING" I think it is. Yep. Shoo Bop! Alright man, my fingers are more tired than a dyke's in a gang bang, so is the interview complete? Was it as good for you as it was for me? Or fucking Kobe for that matter!!! uh uh uh uh uhuh uh . My final answer is: GUILTY!!!!

5151 Parrothead:  

HitchWORLD1969: dude, just publish the IM as is, let it blow au naturale!

5151 Parrothead: Well, I've pretty much shot my load for this interview. Anything you want to add, any last words of wisdom, comments, snide remarks, etc. before we tie the ribbons on this puppy?

HitchWORLD1969: Thanks for the CARPAL®, pallie!

5151 Parrothead: So, before we go, did you wanna take a moment and plug your site?

HitchWORLD1969: Nah. hitchWORLD© is something that you somehow stumble onto, I don't wanna cram it down anyone like friggin' 5th grade Algebra, because it either makes you hard or it doesn't. I would estimate that 99% of the folks that go there would prefer just to read it, rather than register. Of that 1% that does register, I would bet that 33% of them have "browser crashing issues" from the crappy software and my intense java, another 33% register but don't know what to post and never do, and the remaining percentage are the most talented, obscure, and intelligent motherfuckers in the think tank. That's why it's "the circle of trust". Of course of all THOSE folks, I end up banning half of them for spamming the fuck out of the site in what can only be described as "prolific artistry". uh uh uh uh uh uhuh uh uh. and then you've got flappo!!! uh u uh uh uhuhuh. Nah, come on over if you want, I'd say. Even if you dislike the site and wanna tell us, I'd welcome that. Register and call me a douchebag, I'll make you a  moderator!!! God bless you, and God bless hitchworld. Amen. Over and Out. 

5151 Parrothead: Thanks dude, this has been awesome! Next time you're in SoCal, or I'm in Colorado, we'll have to get together and have a few beers.

HitchWORLD1969: fucking a, I'm down on that prom gown!