November 2006 Featured User

PMS

Premenstrual Stress Syndrome (PMS, also called Premenstrual Stress, Premenstrual Tension Syndrome, PMT, Premenstrual Syndrome, Periodic Mood Swing) is stress which is a physical symptom prior to the onset of menstruation. PMS should not be confused with dysmenorrhea, which refers to pain or cramps during menstruation.

Some estimates say that PMS occurs in 75% of women of reproductive age during their lifetime. A more severe form of PMS is premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD). This occurs in about 5% of women. Both are characterized by symptoms of mood swings, depression, anxiety and irritability that occur prior to menses, usually in the two week period between ovulation and menses. It is often accompanied by physical symptoms such as bloating and cramping.

And on to the interview ...

Sunya: OK, PMS. Nice to have you as Featured User of the Month. Kind of ironic don't you think to have you as Featured User of the Month since you're only around once a month. *Snicker* So let's get this interview started. You really look a lot like Sasquatch. Why don't you just shave your face, hands, forearms and feet at that time of the month? Then just wear long sleeves and jeans to hide the rest of the hair?

PMS: Ok, so maybe I get a little bit of a moustache once in a while, but this Sasquatch thing is just way out of hand. There’s really not much I can do about it as it grows back as fast as I can shave it off. In fact, in this picture – which, by the way was taken by my EX boyfriend…goddamn bastard told me no one else would ever see this picture and then all of a sudden it’s plastered all over the internet. Just can’t trust men at ALL, I tell you – anyway, when this picture was taken, I had just shaved…EVERYWHERE!

Sunya: Why do you bloat up so bad? Do you eat too many salty foods?

PMS: I swear, I hardly eat any salty food at all. But the MINUTE I so much as LOOK at a pretzel or a bag of salted peanuts or some of those yummy Pringles potato chips…damn those chips look good…GIVE ME THAT BAG OF CHIPS MOTHERFUCKER BEFORE I KICK YOUR ASS!!!! …ahem….anyway, as I was saying…the minute I even look at a salty snack, I retain enough water to fill the Grand Canyon.

Sunya: What's with you and all that cramping? Do you need Bean-o?

PMS: Beano?! Hell no! It’s not THAT kind of cramping. What I DO need is stock in Midol. Screw that, I should have a controlling interest in Midol! God knows I contribute enough of my money to their ungrateful asses. Hell, I keep that company afloat! And what thanks do I get? Hmmm? NOTHING!!! You would think at the very least they would send me the occasional Christmas card or box of chocolates on Valentine’s Day. But no. HEY MIDOL! HOW ABOUT SOME COMPENSATION?! I PAY YOUR FREAKING SALARIES!!!

Sunya: Why are you always complaining about having headaches even when it isn't that time of the month?

PMS: It’s stress, from having to answer for all the ridiculous things people accuse me of doing during “that time of the month.”

Chelle: Really? What kind of things do they accuse you of?

PMS: AAAAACCCKKKKK!!! Now you’re doing it too!!!

Chelle: Sorry, I was just curious.

PMS: Well, OK, but it’s so silly. They try to say that I have a bad temper, that I get angry at the tiniest little thing and just fly off the handle and start hurting people (mostly men). They say I have no justification for doing these things.

Chelle: So you deny hurting these men?

PMS: Oh no, not at all. I kicked their asses. But they were asking for it. It’s not like I just lash out blindly for no reason at all. Generally, the man is doing something highly antagonistic, on purpose, just to provoke me…like clipping his toenails in the living room, or installing the toilet paper roll backwards, or…like…CHEWING. Gah! So disgusting. They deserved to die.

Sunya: Do you scare small children when you turn with the moon?

PMS: Small children, grown men...even Orcs.

Chelle: I was reading about you on wikipedia.org http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/PMS and noted that it has been suggested that PMS might be a socially constructed disorder. In other words, it’s all in your head. What do you think about that?

PMS: pppfffffttt! Be serious. Wikipedia is run by stupid geeky men who have no connection to reality or the outside world. They sit in a small dark room, safe from the evil world, and type about things they’ve never seen. They also think the moon landing was faked. If I could find a way into that small dark room, I’d show them just how imaginary I really am.

Chelle: Wow, talk about a rude awakening. LOL :) Well, here are wikipedia’s recommendations for treatment. I was just wondering if you’ve tried any of these: “Treatment usually begins with lifestyle modification. Reducing caffeine, sugar, and sodium intake may help…”

PMS: REDUCE CAFFEINE, SUGAR AND SODIUM?! What the hell kind of screwy medical advice is THAT? They’re trying to kill me, aren’t they?! You think I’m bad now, you should see me with no caffeine, sugar and sodium! AND GIVE ME SOME CANDY DAMMIT!!! AND ANOTHER FUCKING POTATO CHIP!!!

Chelle: Anyways, to continue… “Supplements of vitamin B6 and calcium carbonate have been shown to help alleviate some symptoms. Exercise will help reduce depression and anxiety symptoms…”

PMS: EXERCISE?! How the hell am I supposed to exercise when I’m toting around enough water to irrigate Africa?!

Chelle: They also say “Keeping a symptom diary will help cure sufferers to exacerbating and relieving strategies.”

PMS: Oh yeah? I got your symptom diary right here!

Chelle: Also recommended are Prozac, Paxil, Zoloft, and Celexa and herbal remedies such as Chasteberry, Evening primrose, red clover and black cohosh.

PMS: I’ve tried the prescription stuff and it just ruins my sex drive. And you KNOW men are just beating down the door to have sex with a goddess like me…bloated, crampy, hairy bitch that’ll kill them for a potato chip. Yeah, baby, I’m hot. Whew, REALLY hot! IS it hot in here to you? Damn, I’m sweating. Somebody open a damn window, would ya?

Chelle: Are you into art?

PMS: Why yes, funny you should ask. As a matter of fact here is my favorite painting. I have it hanging on my living room wall. It is by Sandow Birk and is called Revenge of Lorena Bobbitt.

Chelle: Wow. Do you have a favorite book?

PMS: Yes, this one...

Chelle: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?

PMS: One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS HOUSE!

I'm sorry.... What did you ask me?

Sunya: Uh, what WAS I asking you? Oh yeah, I have another question....Why are you so bitchy one week and such a sweetheart the rest of the month?

PMS: Are you kidding me? You ARE a female, right? How do you not know these things? Why do you keep asking me these questions?! Am I the only one suffering these intolerable symptoms month after month after month? GOD, IT’S JUST SO UNFAIR!!! WHY ME??!! WHY WHY WHY!!!

Chelle: Oh wow, well uh, we're almost done here I think...*backing away slowly, trying not to trip over poor Sunya* Just one more question. What are your plans for the future?

PMS: Aw, how sweet of you to ask. I'll be marketing my own line of Barbie Dolls and selling them on my myspace - http://www.myspace.com/pmsdlr Here's a picture of the prototype and my delivery truck.

PMS: I hope to make enough money to buy out Midol, Keebler's cookies, and Pringle's potato chips. Oh yeah, and whatever country all the chocolate comes from. I'll be buying that too. I hear the workers there all went on strike. Can you believe that? They provide something like 40% of the world's chocolate and the lazy bastards go on strike. Something about the country being in crisis... waaaaa.... what a bunch of crybabies. Anyway, I'll be buying the country and taking over the world's chocolate supply. Yeah. That's right. *looking around* Hey! Where'd everybody go? Why are you running away? Is it the gun? Oh pleeease. What a bunch of sissies. I'm just a big hairy bitch with cramps and a gun, craving chocolate and bent on world domination...what's the problem?