October 2007 Featured User

GAR

Name: Gary
Age: 21+
Stat: Single
Native: SGV (San Gabriel Valley) California
Profession: Sales
Plays: radio and table tennis
Sports: boogieboarding, skimboarding swimming skating
Fan since: 77 or 78
First album: WACF on 8 track
Fav album: VH2
Fav cut: DOA
Alltime fave cut: We Die Young (zero demo)
Going @ 2007?: Probably not, tix steep, may sneak in
Met: Sam, Mona, Vic, Mike, EVH but not Al or DLR
Shows: DLRBand 8/2003, parts of 2 backyarders Rosemead 76 and San Gabriel 77

Chelle: Siblings?

GAR: I have a half-sister but dont remember seeing her ever, talked to her the first time ever last year.

Chelle: What is your earliest memory?

GAR: My earliest memories are several less than age 2 for whatever reason

Chelle: What are some of the things you remember?

GAR: Some childhood memories should never end, so to keep refreshing them I recommend Depends and just sit and think about it. It'll usually come up in the end - rear end most likely.

Chelle: What was your childhood nickname?

GAR: Gar is short for Gary, always has been

Chelle: Ever been married? Any kids?

GAR: Never married.

Chelle: On being single...do you love it or hate it?

GAR: Enjoy being single only due to not having found someone equal.

Chelle: Sales? What do you sell?

GAR: I sell consumer goods.

Chelle: What is your guilty pleasure?

GAR: My guilty pleasures are Mrs. Redd's Apple Pies and Blueberry Pies, 3/.99 the ones at Ralph's. Probably why I'm so fat.

Chelle: Are you nearly as weird in person as you are on the net?

GAR: In person Im probably more reserved, ask Fletch or a few others I hung with them once through Slawterhouse. I'd say 9 of 10 DLR fans smoke or snort dope and all drink occasionally or daily. I had one beer last October for a friend's birthday.. so I've never been a partier.

Chelle: Please go into more detail about meeting Sam, Mona, Vic, Mike.

GAR: I last seen Sammy a few years ago backstage wished I hadn't. He came off with Mike, smoked a big joint, drank a few shots and poured a few more as tried to leave. I think Mona knew who I was but nice anyway. Vic I first met in 82, he's great. The drummer who looks like Shaggy I think quit, but we have freinds between us though I dont know him. Or was it Brett Tuggle the board player? Eh..

Chelle: Tell us about the backyarders.

GAR: I've often reiterated the backyard party stories, but dont really share the fact I first met Ed and tried his guitar which he was cool enough to show me an A chord on which I recall first seen an A at summer camp a year earlier, just not thru an amp like that and quite an experience. The year after this I caught the last song or two different party before the cops came and broke it up: in the 70s people didnt have the NIMBY noise laws, they came later about 85 in SoCal so you could just pan your ears to the open SGV evening air and just listen on a Fri or Sat nite you could probably find a party going on somewhere and ride a bike right up to it. Thats how I saw my first live bands, via bicycle. One turned out to be Van Halen, others were The Sharks, Tyrant, City Lights, Smile, Snow, Alacarte. The NIMBY laws killed a rich spawning ground which fed MTV and the world - if you think about all the other local bands coming up parallel to VH - Motels, Berlin, Plimsouls, X, Oingo Boingo, The Blasters - and wonder why we have no new music? No place to develop: the death of the backyard party did it all in to start with. But then again, VH weren't lazy as a lot of bands then whod be complacent to play every other month and still call themselves a band. Back then also, the "house-band" thing was fading as the pay-to-play thing in the clubs came about too. We'll never see the range, vibrancy or diversity of groups like this again for these reasons which is why there could never be another Van Halen again. Coming up today such a group would die in its tracks out the gate!

Chelle: Type of music you dislike most?

GAR: I think emo is gay - Chem Romance and that whole pretentious shit with the Pete Wince-Panic thing was stilborn on the day. Bad music is not nearly so intolerable as a bad DJ and on that note I really rub me wrong is KLOS. They do play Van Halen, but they take the credit away by calling themselves "the legendary 955 KLOS" http://www.955klos.com/home.asp and that fucking asshole Jim Ladd. I hate him for being ultra-liberal for 30 years, shoving his pro-dope, pro-hippy views in my face when all I wanted out of radio is music. How is this legendary, he's a fucking moron. He knows nothing relevant does nothing and is a nobody, for that I'd like him off the air forever, please. To go!

Chelle: Ever played a prank on anyone?

GAR: The Roscoe Affair: Once I had placed an ad in the Recycler for a free talking Malaysian Mynah bird with a 1000 word vocabulary that could curse in English as well as Mandarin to the studio phone, knowing it comes out Thursday morning and we had some early work to do - well all these people kept calling about it so I kept answering in different voices on speaker phone. Every time this particular studio friend of mine rubs me wrong I place that ad so when people call up his phone for Roscoe its a reminder. StinkBomb: Once we were all working the same place telemarketing, I got bored with the lesbian management breathing down my throat and dinging my sales so one day I made a stinkbomb from contact cleaner enzymes and an empty 2-liter bottle. I kept it warm behind my computer till the gasses build up, then deposited it in the kitchen trash with the cap ajar. An hour later they still couldn't figure out where the skunk was, so they sent us all home for the day with pay.

Chelle: How about a prank phone call?

GAR: Several tapes in my possesion someday to release a Gar's Phone Fun Best-Of on iTunes - I've been trained by the best and have trained others in phone sales so I've quite a repertoire.

Chelle: Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving?

GAR: I was surprised that parachute drop thing at Knotts doesn't bother me anymore. I took it 30 times in a row one night and couldn't figure out why it freaked me out as a kid. Bungeeing or jumping sound pretty relaxing compared to what I've been thru.

Chelle: Favorite pizza toppings?

GAR: pepperoni n mushrooms or canadian bacon and pineapple

Chelle: Have you ever won a trophy?

GAR: I got ribbons from Pasadena Parks N Recreation that year we did the skateboard demonstration, 1975.

Chelle: Ever ordered from an infomercial?

GAR: No but I'm a big fan, especially of Esteban and Zamfir Master of the Magic Pan flute Infomercial.

Chelle: Would you prefer being a millionaire or finding true love?

GAR: Both are challenges where you try to keep one from taking off with the other. So I think more about just-art or just-music or just-sales the last couple years. You know? Is that disillusionment or overmaturity I haven't decided. But, if I had to suffer the stinks and arrows of the one over the other, I'd for damn sure take the true love. True love these days is not as self-serving the way your last true love was back then, and if you can make the one go back and kick the other's ass in retaliation now that's a neat trick I think we're all interested in.

Chelle: Whats the name of your pet?

GAR: We named him Grampa Munster J. Kitty not knowing how old he was when we got him - some gal my ex used to work with said could we take him for a few months so she could resettle away from her BF never came back for him. Her loss, he's a declawed hunter fighter, tabby-maine coon type mix and being a dog-person myself that says alot cuz I hated cats. I think Mr. BF kicked him. People that do animals like that are scum- like Jim Ladd. Except I bet Jim Ladd likes being kicked by animals once tied and bound, or at least I hope they kick him.

I think about that alot actually, usually this state of mind floats to consciousness when the switchboard give the busy signal after when playing a Van Hagar song right after a Van Halen tune, and then the fucking sissy announces how sweet he is with Sammy Hagar and how they're best plumpers together and what an incredible artist Hagar has been, and what incredible awe he has for Sammy. Loser! Make me Program Director over there you know, I'll have his ass tied and kicked relentlessly at Santa Anita first thing of my new reign in Radio - even the wetback stable boys would enjoy leading the mares over for that - turn em backwards, give the command in Spanish, then WHUMP! aw sorry, that was the sound of Jim Ladd's 3rd vertebrae cracking and I didn't have a microphone to sample it damn, lets try again. WHUMPWHUMP just kicking the shit out his stupid fucking baked crystal hippie ass. Jim Ladd is to radio what leaking pustules are to skin cancer skin graft patients only they'll look better than Jim after the horses are done with him. I like pie..

Chelle: Hmmm. Well, ok then. Do you have a myspace? Other favorite website?

GAR: Im a fan of YouTube guitar stuff at the moment. Had a myspace but its neglected at the moment. I think I have a friend named Tom though I dont know him and think his odd smile a bit unnerving. I'll delete him tonite. If I can recall the password

Chelle: What did you do last night?

GAR: Pinball, pie, and phone.

Chelle: Have you ever licked a 9 volt battery?

GAR: Oh you know THAT trick.. Does it work on D-cells?

Chelle: Probably not since D-cells don't have those little metal thingees on top...What are you wearing?

GAR: Less blubber than last fall, but more than last summer

Chelle: Have you posted under any aliases?

GAR: Why, how many aliases admit to being me so far? When I stopped lurking and started posting for the first time I was accused of being an alias of Hain, Hitch, WARF or Flappo. I'm a fast typist and type it like I speak it more like Ford or Sesh although one tactic I have recycled quite a bit of is the cut-n-pasting of text, especially from blogs, news and other boards' posters. Google's great..

Chelle: You do have a unique posting style...

GAR: On the note of post styling, one entertaining challenge was found in cut-pasting from schizophrenic blogs or the mentally ill, the type where they write in all caps. Another was stealing from short-stories such as "Guts" (http://www.seizureandy.com/stuff/guts.html) from Chuck Palahniuk and posting as personal experience, or bits from Bin Laden rants - I was praising Allah for everything for awhile until a few copycats started praising Alan.. Hail Alan, Alan the Benevolent Panther - they just didnt' get that it was satire and sarcasm for Islam.

Then of course the tactic of owning with the quipy insults, and photoshopping - everyone loves those pictures of unnatural affection but it gets boring after doing several a day especially when they don't fight back or protest. Posters like Katydid and BEPH just absorbed daily punishment over and over and didn't go away for a long time, which is rare. But they shouldn't be on the board if they're not fans anyway, if they don't contribute or have nothing to say in Main, all those type do is spam for the sake of it without any creativity.

Chelle: What one song would you want played at your funeral?

GAR: Vampires dont have funerals, Chelle but I am fond of Bach string quartets.

Chelle: Vampire? Do tell...

GAR: Hanging around in the virtual sense, you know, this eWorld we all tend to mingle in as a group or "groups" as the case were. The vampire reference is silly, which I do alot of on these boards but there's alot more to discuss back on the VH topic, being frustrated as a fan, and what we could possibly if anything vent these things as feedback for possible review whether they read this shit, SAY they do - or do not - or just strictly venting the dissatisfaction we all feel the common bond surrounding such as what I'd address as neglect of one's own franchise for whatever it could possibly be worth. For change? For mockery?

We all know we basically like the original catalogue and finally our musical tastes may be appeased somewhat in that we'll be able to see it performed live, but between fans of Van Hagar, and the indifferent VH fans we call "Sheep" plus the original fans we call CVH or "Classic" ones I think that whomever is the current spokeshole for this fistfull of knuckleheads provide some kind of explanation for what's gone on since 1985 and where they're going with it today.

For example, just the basics:

1. Clarifying the split, what really initiated this and how necessary or unnecessary it was being that Our Fearless Leader, DLR, is back.

2. Is David Roth "back" as in, "back in" or "back in for a second ejection" ---> PPPPFFT! after the tour and everyone's mortgage is back to square for another year or two - ?

3. We all know the familiar copy text, How Sammy Got In and how he's been kicked out twice. But once he got in a second time, who's to say he won't get in a third time - is that burden squarely on Dave for that such as how mute has to be to the press or out he goes like the clowning at the 96 Awards Show?

4. What was with all the "he's my brother" schpiel Ed gave the press about Cherone, all 3 classes of VH fans deserve to know what fumes were in the room on that affair cuz even in Extreme he was a mediocre Roth and this was the most embarrassing low-point as a fan. Did EVH think he'd scored a #1 hit writer for the band, was that purley it cuz it seems that way. VH3 tanks, Gary Cherone gone simple equation. We demand parity for this offense and only Ed and Al can deliver a fair reason why and all we can do is guess at this point.

5. The "ten albums, in the can" that sound so fantastic with no vocals. Will we be hearing the sound of Roth with a can opener on them coming to light? Why would Ed pitch 10 albums waiting for release begging for a singer like that, and why since 2000 seven years we're talking that we've been waiting for what DLR colludes only with the "hands fell off the clock" those tracks were so good? Is this another Chinese Democracy if not I don't know what else if they can't find a home for even 1 of these "albums". That right there has got to be one of THE most frustrating things for a Van Halen fanatic to react to after hearing "Jamies' Crying" for the 30th year on FM radio.

6. Where are we going with Roth AFTER the tour? If he behaves are we as fans treated to a full new release, maybe old release of the same old with 1 or 2 new songs to push it like a harbor tugboat?

7. We don't know anything about Wolfie so based on what merits of his do we deserve to be accosted by his presence in place of Mike? Since he can't be that amazing for just 16 years of age we really, really need to know why Mike's not involved: did he turn Mormon? Is his 12-step program that fierce? Did he get the Old Ankle Treatment from the judge for some DUI that was suppressed or that we don't know about limiting him from leaving the state to tour? Did Roth stipulate this necessity for revenge?

8. How could Ed and Al permit Sam's interviews over the years citing post-1985 whole-catalogue sales of Van Halen as his, instead of just the Van Hagar portion? I dont recall the first 6 albums with him on any of them and he does this to encompass his "I sell more Dave than Dave did" stance - VH don't realise that it makes the classic fans cringe from the falsehood of it alone. They need to take this myth to task and bury it once and for all acknowledging Dave oversold Sam. Actually, the first 6 albums were standalone classics the day they were born and I'm of the opinion based on the decades-long decline with Sam that they actually would have had greater sales of Van Halen's first 6 without Sammy "floating" the franchise because sometimes More Isn't Better. Just look at Led Zeppelin, Bonzo croaked and they just stopped right there with In Thru The Outdoor as the last release and the whole catalogue's got regular sales. It's like real estate - only with the Sammy years side-by-side the Roth years its like the Golden Triangle of Real Estate till you get to Inglewatts when the air begins to smell bad, and you kinda go for the button to roll up the windows..

I could go on and on of course, but these are just the main points the group should address you know? It's only fair, we've held on for so long enjoying the first 6 discs, replacing them when the wear out. Or perhaps with this tour as almost a sold-out deal their attitude is "Why say anything?" to which I'd respond as a fan with, Because music used to be about art? About pushing the limits of creativity in the recording arts, about being as dynamic a performance as possible, about at least pretending to be concerned that people enjoy how your music is percieved and how it used to make them feel?

Eliminating the guesswork by just answering some of these points now would cut out alot of negative commentary in the future which they say comes unwelcome, unfortunately they could have done this 22 years ago to stave it off, and possibly headed off their steady decline to boot.

Chelle: Ok, you've seen the rehearsal videos. What are your feelings about this tour now that you've gotten a taste of what it will look and sound like?

GAR: Typing closer to 80 words a minute gives me the only power to spread my views making me a texting beast literally. So for those who ain't followed my discussions on these boards let's walk the bases down to Viewpoint Home Plate:

1. First and foremost issue, naturally, we see an absense of Mike Anthony former four-string slinger and backup singer of the Great Van Halen Band - where is he and why has there been no explanation offered from anybody about this?

2. Secondly, it sounds sterile to me but because it's a band, backing up DLR, it sounds fat and meaty. Now, the inevitable comparisons to What Was Once Before, Since & Today obviously come up: a) Dave's probably in the best zone of his life and amen to that! b) Ed's still doing that chorused-out shrill distortion thing which needs to fucking go. I hate his sound! HATE IT! to me it is really one undesireable blast of volume to be avoided. c) The below-stage seating I dubb as SammyLand, that whole arrangement never existed before Sam's Mas Tequila bullshit, did it not? d) Whatcha wanna bet that whole thing was taped for merging with a click-track for Al so they can have canned vocals? Oh sure it's just a "show" to most folks and lipsynching is the accepted norm these days! Everybody does it from Britney to Madonna and others so why shouldn't Roth with the Van Halenses do it too?Less stress right? But I don't want to see it, Van Halen used to be a dynamic live party band of musicians which we never see much of anymore, and cheating is just cheating no matter how you slice and dice it.

3. Then you get into the image thing. Now, VH had about the most visually heavy of rock artists images around yet we see an extremely toned-down wardrobe. Who knows why Ed cutoff all his hair again, I thought he was growing it out for this? But there he is, with Dave and Al are all sporting nicely coiffed Doo's. What next, some fucking Polo Ponies and we're off to the Hamptons for tea and crumpets? Fuck this, where's Mike - even with a receeding hairline it's still longer than theirs is. At least he looks like a rockstar still. 4. The nepotism is something a purist like me just can't get past no matter what so I feel like Wolfie's got to find his own way. Then I see people bashing him online because he's fat and I feel like pointing out it has nothing to do with VH? Well, now it has everything to do with VH if he's playing bass. Or at least he's standing onstage using backing tracks, I don't care. I have no feeling for it and its such a headache, so let's call this group either DLR Band Ver. 5.5, or Van Headache to be fair. I got no qualms about Wolfie it's about seeing or not seeing VH with Dave and Mike for me.

5. Swear to God, best thing about this stage setup is the disappearance of that dragon shit on Al's drums -the whole heroin chic came and went and it took some people with it I no longer associate, so I'm glad to see those graphics on the drumhead go. Especially if Al was "chasing Dragons."

6. I think it's going to be a great show, with Dave on board. I'm just not doing it without Mike so don't ask to see me there.

Chelle: Any pictures of yourself you'd like to share?

GAR: I think I have posted pics before the Army went down the first time, when they had a gallery but I don't have any pics on this computer to share. Most board people know by now I've posted handfulls of pics not necessarily my own thanks to the photoshop parody skills of others. I'll see if I can find something close enough to use. Otherwise a big bunny would do.

Chelle: Since I was having trouble coming up with questions, I asked some of our other friends for help....

I'm interviewing GAR for next month's featured user. Do you have any weird questions to ask him? Also, he says he posted pictures of himself before, but now can't find them and doesn't have any on his computer. Do you happen to know where I might find even just one?

Sensible Shoes: He's lyin. He just won't give them to you. I have them, but I have been sworn to never never let anybody see them on pain of death. I will tell you he's a little hottie.....

GAR: Though I do not confirm pictures being posted ashaving been my own, I do confirm other people's pictures as having been my own frequently.

Sensible Shoes: Ask him how he used to like his hair extentions. Blond ones.

GAR: I never had hair extensions, asking me about that is like asking Shoes how she'd like a merkin done up: red, reddish brown, mousey brown or blonde?

Sensible Shoes: Do NOT ask about Mormons, his guitars or his family.

GAR: She's right though about family, guitars, and being anti-Mormon (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anti-Mormonism#Origin ), but thats just gonna make me rant off music fanaticism topics real fast.

Chelle: That's ok, this other stuff is pretty interesting too.

Sensible Shoes: Ask him about his music experience. You'll be surprised.

GAR: My own music industry experience was usually limited to playing the radio. I play the radio.

Chelle: Wow, Shoes, you're right. I'm surprised.

Sensible Shoes: Why he can't get a date. Ask him about sex somehow. Just get him going, it's a scream. Never know what you'll hear.

GAR: I would get a date if I lowered my standards for illegal aliens with washtub bellies and at least three children, that's all the pickings we got left here in SGV. You can go ahead and ask me about sex but I'm just gonna make up stuff because unlike you, Mrs. Q., I am a virgin and have no personal knowledge of partaking in the Wild Thing. Honestly though, personal experiences are best shared like the broken bread - a bit here and there among freinds does seem more satisfactory than to say "oh, I did or met or done such n such" in open topics, which gets you pegged as fantastic and an impossible elaborator. So when I post threads like "List of Furniture and Engine Parts I've Pulled Out of my Ass This AM" it seems to carry more weight that way and at least I'm assured to be believed some of the time. If you haven't noticed by now my key alias opener has for almost 20 years online been either "ha ha Iam not a robot" or "hi Im new here."

Sensible Shoes: Flappo, Jesterstar & Grimsdale. The dumpmeisters.

GAR: The Dumpmeisters are on the other Roth board which used to be called HitchWORLD1969®™ a whole topic of fandom unto themselves.

Sensible Shoes: About his van. The property he's working on. Real estate in California. The tiny speaker system he came up with in the tin the size of an Altoids box. It was before its time - I-pods now have something like it, with full speaker sound from something that would fit in your shirt pocket. I assume it didn't fly, or he's be very rich right now. Hmmm. What else. Ask about Grandpa the cat.

GAR: Grampa Kitty did run off to Xiangzhou China with the Altoids tin - all I'm left with of that experience is a pile of mints and rusty guitar strings which I now strum, in the van, down by the river.

ZahZoo: You talked in great detail of the operations of Fender Musical company...what affiliations have you had in the musical intrument industry?

GAR: I haven't detailed much about FMIC beyond what isn't already on the internet, I'm more affiliated with CTRL+C and CTRL+V functions.

ZahZoo: Do you build your own equipment?

GAR: In the past I have, I think Zahzoo refers to that idea I posted about how to recycle a stack of old networking rackboxes into 100 watt guitar amps but I couldn't find anyone interested enough for a do-it-yourself column on DDLR.Com or even on the DIY forums. So I ditched that idea about as fast as the metals place in El Monte could cash me out of all that aluminium.

ZahZoo: What became of the studio your were building in southern California?

GAR: I got tugged to a bad boat investment that wasn't bouy-ant. Also the bank didn't harbour enough capital to float me so I thought "to hull with it" and cast it off. If it weren't for a) the huge land price spike '99-2006 and b) the RE bottom fallout 2007-? to who knows how long. Probably six years or longer, I'd say,and at least 2 years (2009) before things look appetizing. I got other things going on.

ZahZoo: Do you have a favorite Public Library you post themost from?

GAR: Sherman Oaks is a nice one, if you lived close enough to a library with wifi connections you could pull a Brian Wilson never having to leave the bed & stay posting on the internet indefinately. The one in Bel Air Estates is the best, those attendees wait on you to serve up scones and leave buttermint cookies in silver dishes at the keyboard for you while you browse, and coffee is free but I tip 'em a tenspot anyways.